The Ugly Shadow of Love

Roses are fine but watch out those thorns

There are two things that every human being on earth agrees on one hundred percent: Love and money.

We are addicted to both.

Let’s leave money aside for the time being.

But who doesn’t love love?

Who would reject love as the just reward of a life lived well?

Agreed.

But to tell the truth, things are a bit more complicated than that.

If it weren’t, there would be no estranged lovers, parents, children, and even business partners.

Love is the fire that warms us but also burns us — even when it’s not coupled with money.

It all depends.

Once upon a time I unconditionally believed that love was everything, that it was the only thing worth living for.

Moreover, I thought love could fix everything and anything from personal conflicts to international relations (!).  Ahh, if only people loved one another…

Didn’t John Lennon sing “All we need is love…”?

That’s why in my younger days I was drawn to Jesus like a moth to a flame.

Islam is about social justice. Christianity is about love. That’s the ultimate summary of my understanding of these two great Abrahamic religions.

I was born a Muslim but didn’t mind keeping a picture of Jesus (blond, blue-eyed of course) on my puja, which is a little “praying corner” that you keep in your house if you’re a Buddhist or Hindu.

Mentioning Hinduism is relevant because that’s where I first heard the word “respect” pronounced right next to “love,” even before “love.”

I used to follow a world-famous Hindu Guru living in the mountains of upper-state New York. It was no secret that I was desperately searching for my salvation at any cost.

When opening his evening programs, my Guru always used to say “I welcome you all with respect and love.”

After probably the hundredth time I heard this, it started to sink in: he was mentioning respect first, and love later. The order never changed and it was not coincidental. A-ha!

True love requires an awareness of the other, knowledge of the other, if it’s not to devolve into self-worshipping.

If the other is not to be used as mere content for our self-advertisement project (“Look what a great lover I am!”), then we need to stop and take notice of what’s happening on the other side of the fence. That’s possible only by respecting the other.

Respect means stopping for a second, stopping the mad flow of passion that so often defines what love is.

Roses are fine but watch out those thorns.

Respect introduces a moment of hesitation, stepping back, and taking stock of the situation from multiple angles.

When the temperature of adulation and poetry drops down a notch, we can bring the mind into the picture to check whether the other party is still breathing like we assume they do.

I’ve seen “love relationships” where the other party has left the house a long time ago, unknown to our protagonist. It would be funny if it weren’t a sad spectacle that keeps happening when respect is shunted by love gushing.

When respect does not lead the way, love can become a crude tool of manipulation.

• “How dare you do this when I love you so!?”

• “If you loved me you wouldn’t (or would) do this!”

• “I love you with all my heart and look what I get in return? Nothing!”

Love without respect slides fast into a transaction, and an invisible gun pointing at our heads 24-7.

Every object has its shadow.

Love’s shadow is not the prettiest of all.

(Drawings are by the author.)