Herbert Einstein’s Long-Lost Theory of Absolutivity
This theory won over more than that one particular scientist who happened to be drunk at the time.
Albert Einstein’s more serious brother Herbert invented a theory of absolutivity that remained unknown until today. It’s time to blow away the heinous cloud cover of history and accord this genius brother his long-due recognition and honors.
The world has been celebrating Albert Einstein since the guy was born. At first, it was his theory of relativity that earned him worldwide recognition, then came his cult status as an international pop culture icon with his tongue hanging out from every wall of every college dorm room.
A Mystery Man of Science
It is time to take a leisurely look at what is less known about this genius, his brother’s theory of absolutivity. All along, Herbert Einstein (circa 1894–1955) has been somewhat of a mystery to many, overshadowed by his brother’s monstrous fame. With this expose, we aim to change that and reveal the theory of absolutivity for what it truly is: an astounding theory, absolutely.
Herbert Einstein was Albert Einstein’s younger brother even though no biographical information exists about him on Google. While both were gifted in mathematics and physics, it was Albert who took the limelight, and rightfully so. After all, his theory of relativity is one of the most important theories that changed the course of history and set humankind on a path toward conquering new levels of knowledge and technology. It also gave birth to 7 billion braggarts who claim to understand Relativity but lose their speech instantly when asked to explain it.
Herbert Einstein was famous for his thought experiments which required long days of solitude spent leaning on his right elbow and gazing over the horizon, chewing on a mint toothpick or a bitter blade of grass, depending on the severity of the experiment.
One day, as he was again busy with one of his experiments, a flash of light suddenly blinded him. Disoriented, he felt himself being sucked through a pinhole in the cheap discounted fabric of time and space.
A Thought Experiment Went Wrong
After what seemed to Herbert Einstein an eternity or perhaps just a fraction of a second, he found himself again staring at the horizon like the way a cow stares at a freight train. The only difference was that this time it wasn’t the horizon of his home country but of a distant land he knew nothing about. He felt like a luggage set delivered to the wrong airport.
Confused and disoriented, Herbert Einstein pulled out his pocket watch to get the time and place. The watch had stopped ticking; it was frozen at what seemed to be half-past seven in the morning even though he never woke up before noon.
A Theory is Born by C-Section
This he thought was curious but not disturbing until he discovered to his big surprise that this place had no sun at all, not even the slightest hint of one.
The good news is, he was never going to get skin cancer. Bad news: goodbye to tomatoes!
This experience changed Herbert Einstein forever, though he didn’t realize it immediately. He decided to document his theory of absolutivity to describe the findings he experienced during his journey through time and space.
Mr. H. Einstein’s theory of absolutivity was a theory of everything that went beyond the theory of relativity. Rather than focusing on space, it focused on time itself.
It stated that time is absolute like an ill-tempered monarch, no matter where you are or how fast you are moving.
At first, this theory was not well received because many people were used to thinking of time as a local phenomenon, but the theory of absolutivity has since won many supporters, especially among politicians who lose one presidential election after another.
Here goes the theory…
Here are some particulars of the theory:
Time is absolute; there is no local time; it’s always now. So please lower that hand, right now.
Time is expensive. You always pay for it one way or the other, and usually through the nose.
There is only one second, as in “hey, wait a second!” All other “seconds” that tick by are merely optical illusions or artifacts caused by your second shot at the bar.
The theory of absolutivity states that there is no such thing as a frame of reference; all events are absolute, and they happen only once. Ask yourself: how many partners have you fallen in love with twice? Or how many times have you read War And Peace, if at all? Thank you. Case closed.
A note about methodology
A note about Herbert’s methodology for our discerning and well-read readers…
If you ever had any doubt about how absurd Mr. Einstein’s thought experiments were, let me tell you: one of his experiments involved fitting an elephant into a matchbox. He claimed that he could do it, but that he didn’t want to do the math because he was hungry and wanted to take a nap.
Fifty years later a team of crackerjack researchers at the University of Chicago was actually able to succeed in carrying out Herbert’s thought experiment but they lost the animal due to suffocation.
That one particular scientist
As you can see (even if by difficulty), absolutely everything is absolute. This theory won over more than that one particular scientist who happened to be drunk at the time.
(Let us disclose for fairness and the annals of history that some had to admit later that they only did so because of the theory’s name and how it helped them sound important at the Thanksgiving table.)
A physicist once stated that he wouldn’t mind having Albert’s theory of relativity not being proven in one hundred years if Herbert’s theory of absolutivity would be accepted by then. Realizing that he was late already, he quit physics in disgust and devoted his life to repairing watches and collecting cocktail umbrellas.
Thanks, absolutely!
I hope you enjoyed reading this expose that might have expanded your mind despite your initial resistance. Thank you for your absolute time. And please feel free to make any relative donations you like to Herbert Einstein Institute of Relative Research into Absolutivity.
t = t